Unwavering Fulfillment

My Daily Om horoscope for today says that I should focus on completing midterm goals, smaller goals on the way to achieving my long term goals, so that I don’t become disillusioned on the way to my long term goals. To me this sounds like very practical advice. One of my long term goals has been to get my bachelor’s degree in the life sciences, and that goal has taken a rather sizable detour for now. That, coupled with the length of time I have devoted to it, can only be described as disheartening. Turning my attention to smaller goals is something that I did not do mainly because I thought it would distract me from the long term goals. But now I see that has been a mistake. As a result of my tunnel vision, on this long journey towards my degree, I have no track record of accomplishment.

So right now, I am going to make a list of my long term goals and some short term goals I’d like to accomplish on the way. I think it will help me to focus my energy more than simply having a vague idea in my head of what I want to accomplish.

Long term:

- Finish bachelor’s degrees (Marine Biology and Communication @ UCLA)
- Open hookah lounge
- Become a writer
- Buy a car
- Move to Seattle or Vancouver
- Travel to Japan and China
- Travel to Europe
- Study in South Africa
- Complete family tree

Short term:

- Get a job
- Write a short story
- Write a screenplay
- Work on family tree
- Work on video sketches
- Learn how to use Photoshop better
- Practice video editing with Final Cut Pro
- Learn Dreamweaver
- Learn Flash
- Finish Kingdom Hearts
- Fix my computer
- Write to Verizon and Adelphia
- E-mail David Maldonado
- Research Forensic Science careers
- Find an ongoing volunteer opportunity

Already done:

- Completed two Associate’s degrees
- Lived on my own in LA for two years
- Got a job*
- Finished the Godfather*
- Finished God of War*

As someone who has so much ambition inside of him, it is unacceptable that the the third section is so short. So the next time I update this list in a few weeks, I want the 2nd and 3rd sections to be about equal in length. Here’s to me. Byaaah!

* Updated 11/16/2006

Indecisive Paralysis

“A wrong decision is better than indecision.” – Tony Soprano

I don’t trust myself. I don’t know why that is, but that is probably the underlying reason as to why I find it hard to make difficult decisions. Lately I’ve started to become better at it, but I still have a long way to go.

Why is it that I, who several people feel comfortable confiding in, who several people trust to give advice, do not trust myself? Perhaps it’s due to history of negative outcomes due to bad decisions in the past. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never really had to make difficult decisions that were not reversable.

To paint myself in a better light, I previously justified it by saying it’s because I’m balanced brained, you know, equally left and right brained, but I’m starting to think less and less that is the case. Why shouldn’t I trust myself? Am I really that bad at making decisions that I refuse to make a decision for fear that it will be horribly bad? I don’t think so.

I suppose I’ve made an equal share of good and bad decisions. Character wise I feel I turned out pretty good. That had to have come from some good decisions. I’ve made some bad decisions, but not to the point where I seriously fucked up and couldn’t (or can’t) fix the situation.

I think what has hurt me the most is not bad decision-making; it’s indecision. It’s why I’m going on 26 and have yet to establish any part of myself on this world. There are people my age who have become doctors, who have started businesses, who are NBA and NFL stars, who have done something to live up to their potential. Being the ambitious dreamer that I am, I know I’m meant for something of equal magnitude. I can start on that path as well. I just have to decide when. For my sake, I hope it’s soon.