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I feel invisible. I complain about how I yearn for some sort of social connection here and how it would make my experience here better, but the more I think about it, I really don’t want a social connection. And it’s not because of my feelings towards Southern California; I just happen to be in a very anti-social phase right now. I went home to Fremont for a week and a half and before I got there, I had all these plans of seeing all these people who I haven’t seen in a long time, but when I got there, I really had no desire to see very many of them at all. I mean I hardly even went anywhere. Most of the nights involved either staying home or hanging out at Kunty’s house. The highlight of the trip was going to the Radiohead concert as well as finally going to Ole’s in Alameda. I watched a lot of World Cup matches, went to my sister’s graduation, went to Poonam’s graduation in Davis, played some video games, cleaned the garage, smoked a few bowls, and that was about it. And you know what? It was some of the most fulfilling time I’ve ever had with myself. Right now I’m at a point in my life where most other people are not on my radar. I have to get all my shit in order so that I can become the person I want to be. Running after other people who don’t really give a shit about you isn’t going to help me accomplish that.
So yeah, back to what I was saying about feeling invisible. Everywhere I go, I feel that I’m seen but immediately forgotten. And I’m not saying that as a bad thing. I like that feeling, that of the silent observer who takes it all in. For some reason I feel like it gives me some sort of advantage. What that advantage is, I don’t know, but it’s there. When I figure it out, it will be useful for when I’m ready to step out of the shadows and make the transition from observer to participant. I need to figure it out soon though because I have this feeling that the time for the transition is imminent.
I like the new Muse album. Based on one listen, that’s all I’m ready to say about it now. I feel a twinge of guilt for downloading it before its official release in a couple weeks. Being able to download a leaked copy of the album takes all the anticipation and effort out of waiting for an album’s release and making your way to your favorite record store to buy it. It just reinforces my theory that the internet and MP3 technology are de-valuing music as an art form, an idea which I’ll explore further in another entry devoted solely to the subject.
2006’s graduation ceremonies are now complete. Many of my friends have graduated and are now moving on to other things. This includes a large majority of the group of friends that I transferred with from Chabot College. While I was a part of this group when we transferred to our respective universities together, I am no longer a part of this group. I did not graduate this time around, nor will I be graduating any time soon. At this point I’m not even sure if an academic graduation is in my foreseeable future. However I do feel that I am graduating in a manner of speaking. After two years at UCLA, I am moving on to something else. What that something else is, I have no idea. Granted, I don’t have a degree in hand, but I have learned quite a bit about myself and life during my time here and I feel that I am a very different person than I was before I came here. My experience here was not even close to what I expected at all, but I have to take it for what it was, learn from it, and move on. I can’t be depressed and bitter over what happened, otherwise my emotions will consume me and prevent me from doing any of the things I have tentatively planned.
I could call this a blessing in disguise, but it would be incorrect to say that it is disguised. It is I who have forgotten what it looks like. For years I have wanted to take time off from school to pursue other interests. I know there is more inside of me than the academic. The academic is not who I want to be. My goals in life are not academic in nature, and now I am being given the opportunity to pursue those goals. It will definitely be a challenge to adjust to a non academic life after 22 years, but this is something I have been waiting a long time for. And who knows, maybe the things I learn and experience in this new phase of life will help me to gain a sense of focus which will allow me to return to and complete my academic life in the future. But for now it is time to put the academic life aside. I’ve given college eight years of my life, with nothing to show for it, besides two associate’s degrees which I received after six years. People get their master’s degrees in that amount of time.
I shouldn’t compare myself to them as I’ve proven time and time again that I’m not normal by any means, but perhaps I should have taken that as the sign I needed to change directions. Instead, I kept moving down the same road, thinking that I would eventually reach my destination, not realizing that I had become hopelessly lost. I eventually ran out of gas and realized that the trip shouldn’t have taken that long, and that perhaps something was wrong and I was going the wrong way. After sitting by the side of the road for a while and waiting for someone to come and refill the tank, I thought that maybe I was wrong and my destination was just a little further down the road. As I sat back in the car and started the engine, a huge tree fell into the road, completely blocking me from going any further in that direction. If that weren’t enough, there was a big sign on the tree that said “YOU ARE GOING THE WRONG WAY.” My only option now is to go back a little ways to that crossroads I passed a ways back and then decide which way to go from there.
What’s in store for me in the future? I have no idea. But I’m going to find out.
